Youth and Youngness

wish # 1: a reflection

Wishlist #1: ~i just want that person to care enough about this relationship to want to work on it~
* im tired of wondering What If, i want to know What is.
* she's got me on a cynical pedestal and you in Her arms, and heart.
* different temperaments, oh well, bite the bullet!
* never been this emotional and sentimental, last was with Emylyn.
~ you commit to this wedding, and then it seems like there's this momentum, and then you forget you chose it.
~ if you love someone, you say it. you say it right then, out loud...otherwise the moment just-- passes you by~
* i didnt even search for it...she just came along, and i felt, "wonderful!" eversince.
* the weird blasphemy of synagogue is..." She deserves Me????"
* and yet the point is, when was the last time she opened her mouth using her truthful tongue? why is that i always..no ive chosen a blurred path to happiness, a supposed dreamer, again. and i chose not to compare the past "Emylyn" and the present.For Her: I never lost her, because for one, I never had her. and never will.
* pulling off my left ovary, surgically speaking, meant one sign. if im about to move on, i have to work it with my right ovary, right decision, right values, right beliefs, right heart, right mind, right faith, with the right deserving person this time. cos its my final chance and im tired :(
* Question is : Save for Later or Delete?
~ This too shall pass~
* another cliche another phrase of wisdom, and i wanted my emotional cells to do it!!
~ i am crazy to fall for someone i hardly knew,
* and i am always like this. cos @ the back of my mind, i go, if ive known this person in and out, then there wouldnt be enough reasons to spend my entire life, discovering her. there wouldnt be enough surprises and challenges to change and risk for a chance, and she would probably be just one of my friends.
~ you fill up my senses
like a night in the forest
like the mountains in springtime
like a walk in the rain
like a sleepy blue ocean
Come Love Me Again
~ Got a Minute? "What's Up?" I have to say this quicker or Ill just have this massive coronary and then youll never hear it and you have to do.This is by far, the dumbest thing Ive ever doen in my entire life. So dumb, that i cant..but im gonna.. I love You!!! I realized this comes at a very inopportune time
* Kimmy - her ----------------- Michael - Popoy ---------------- Jules - tin
~ shy tendril of russet pleasure, began their unbidden journey. the tonnage of years of anguish, sacrifice, mingling with --
* what the heck?!
~ getting what you deserve is, isnt fair
* no one's chasing me :(
~ underhanded despicable not even terribly imaginative things
* after-almost-math, i realized my present heartache and break is almost like, My Bestfriend's Wedding
~ Luckily, i woke up and i see, that the world is just as it should be.
* i am the present Susan Hayward:)
~ you think what the hell..life goes on!
* i am a shooting butterfly, things to ponder: do not read her texts over and over again, damn it! neither save, even the ones you sent! stupid!
* ill pretend my ship's not sinking
~ i wanna know more than your brain
* would anybody know if i am but a beck-and-call??
~ dont get emotional when you turn tricks
~ stay numb dont get involved, * have to be like a robot, just do it!
* Heavy pens never been my fingers' friends. especiall parker. fine ones are :). now as you read autobio journal, i lay my thoughts in different strikes. the bottom line is: find the one that will bring out the best in you :)
* fidget - i love acting it with her
~ ive never had anyone make me feel as cheap as you did today
~ bad stuff is easier to believe
~ people put you down enough, you start to believe it
* 10minutes ago, i was crying gently, but i kept on saying err it was like removing a stuck fishbone in my chest. I HATE YOU!I hate you, i hate you i hate you i hate you! inhale, exhale, and then hate's all gone! i started to think what happened to her.
~ love it or hate it - if they love it they will always love it if they dont they may learn to appreciate it but it will never become part of their soul.
* good morning, and so i spoke to her. even if i wanted to let her know what my real thoughts are, upon hearing her sicky voice, oh well, give this girl a break! and then, while having a morning debate with her, i thought about the impaired Taurus-Gemini relationship. most of what ive read in Google search said, the only hope is the long endurance of a Taurean cos this two-faced Gemini will always highlight her social life, a natural flirt. Maya told me that too. I wanted to hear her voice because i wanna know if she's okay than yesterday. plus i needed my money due next tuesday, and i wanna know if my heartbeat is still the same or descending, depleting.. that inital thrill is Dying???

i have to admit to myself this time

you found love in a very unexpected inopportune time. things happened so fast, you couldnt even stop your adrenaline to go up.every little incident was in a rush and drastic combination, sudden and young, without noticing you were engaging yourself in a turmoil, with a complete stranger, a soul-less individual who hid her true self by her powerful convincing words and false feelings, an almost devil in disguise.


and after realizing and praying and hibernating,
i now say, IM STUPID!
of believing her.
Puke all about her! Ewwness is my word.

Regret is what i have in mind.
But then again, i learned.
And I am not sorry for what happened.

Quiet

Baby says I can't come with him
And I had read all of this in his eyes
Long before he even said so
Why go, I asked
You know and I know why
And it'll be just as quiet when I leave
As it was when I first got here
I don't expect anything
I don't expect anything

Take care
I've been hurt before
Too much time spend on closing doors
You may hate me, but I'll remember to love you
Goodbye
Don't cry
You know why
And it'll be just as quiet when I leave
As it was when I first got here
I don't expect anything
I don't expect anything

All the waves of blame arrange as broken scenery
As they steal your best memories away
What if I was someone different in your only history?
Would you feel the same
As I walk out the door
Never to see your face again
Never to see your face again

And it'll be just as quiet when I leave
As it was when I first got here
It'll be just as quiet when I leave
As it was when I first got here
I don't expect anything
I don't expect anything
I don't expect anything
I don't expect anything
I don't expect anything
I don't expect anything to change when I leave

reason why

"Reason Why"
Rachael Yamagata

I think about how it might have been
We'd spend out days travelin'
It's not that I don't understand you
It's not that I don't want to be with you
But you only wanted me
The way you wanted me

So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
And we can hang out heads down
As we skip the goodbyes
And you can tell the world what you want them to hear
I've got nothing left to lose, my dear
So, I'm up for the little white lies
But you and I know the reason why
I'm gone, and you're still there
I'm gone, and you're still there
I'm gone, and you're still there

I'll buy a magazine searching for your face
From coast to coast, or whatever I find my place
I'll track you on the radios, and
I'll sign your list in a different name
But as close as I come to you
It's not the same

So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
We can pat ourselves on the back
As say that we tried
And if one of us makes it big
We can spill our regrets
And talk about how the love never dies
But you and I know the reason why
I'm gone, and you're still there
I'm gone, and you're still there
I'm gone, and you're still there

So, steal the show, and do your best
To cover the tracks that I have left
I wish you well and hope you find
Whatever you're looking for
The way I might've changed my mind,
But you only showed my the door

So, I will head out alone and hope for the best
We can pat ourselves on the back
And say that we tried
And if one of us makes it big
We can spill our regrets
And talk about how the love never dies
But you and I, you and I know the reason why

Collide- Rachael Yamagata

I’ll fascinate you for awhile
My hands in wait to please, so well
When I wake to realize, all I’d done
I’ll be breaking strings
And all you’re gonna feel
Is undone

I will not stay if you ask me to stay
Do not ask me to stay because I will not stay

Why do we always collide
Stuck onto different sides

You resignation, don’t simply file
Its not imaginable(???)
Your love
What I wake up to find
All I’ve done is unkind
All you’re gonna feel is untied
Untied

Why do we always collide
Stuck onto different sides
Why do we always collide
Stuck onto different sides
Why do we always collide
Stuck onto different sides
Why do we all
Why do we all

worn me down

"Worn Me Down"
Rachael Yamagata

Gone, she's gone
How do you feel about it
That's what I thought
You're real torn up about it
And I wish you the best
But I could do without it
And I will, because you've worn me down
Oh, I will, because you've worn me down

Worn me down like a road
I did everything you told
Worn me down to my knees
I did everything to please
But you can't stop thinking about her
No, you can't stop thinking about her

And you're wrong, you're wrong
I'm not overreacting
Something is off
Why don't we ever believe ourselves
And I, oh, I feel that word for you
And I will, because you've worn me down
Oh, I will because you have worn me down

Worn me down like a road
I did everything you told
Worn me down to my knees
I did everything to please
But you can't stop thinking about her
No, you can't stop thinking about her

She's so pretty; she's so damn right
But I'm so tired of thinking
About her tonight

Worn me down like a road
I did everything you told
Worn me down to my knees
I did everything to please
But you can't stop thinking about her
No, you can't stop thinking about her

Worn me down like a road
I did everything you told
Worn me down to my knees
I did everything to please
Worn me down like a road
I did everything you told to me to do
But you, you can't stop thinking about her
No, you can't stop thinking about her
No, you can't stop thinking about her
No, you can't stop thinking about her

Be Be Your Love-Rachael Yamagata

If I could take you away
Pretend I was queen
What would you say
Would you think I'm unreal
'Cause everybody's got their way I should feel

Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real
Want to be your everything

Everything...

Everything's falling, and I am included in that
Oh, how I try to be just okay
Yeah, but all I ever really wanted
Was a little piece of you

And everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real

Everything will be alright
If you just stay the night
Please, sir, don't you walk away, don't you walk away, don't you walk away
Please, sir, don't you walk away, don't you walk away, don't you walk away

And everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real

And everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love, for real
Everybody's talking how I, can't, can't be your love
But I want, want, want to be your love
Want to be your love for real

I want to be your love, love, love

and everybody's growing up

As we grow up,
we learn that even the one person
that wasn't supposed to ever let
you down probably will.
You will have your heart broken probably
more than once and it's harder every time.
You'll break hearts too,
so remember how it felt when yours was broken.
You'll fight with your best friend.
You'll blame a new love for things
an old one did.
You'll cry because time is passing too fast,
and you'll eventually
lose someone you love.
So take too many pictures,
laugh too much, and love like
you've never been hurt
because every sixty seconds you spend upset is
a minute of happiness
you'll never get back.
Don't be afraid that your life will end,
be afraid that it will never begin.

and time flies

soon.
this saga may linger but will eventually close its book.
as your soul moves on,
you will Soon forget to get it from the shelf,
and flip its pages, back,
and read.

because your soul gets tired of learning...err..containing it.

I dont deserve these insults

Oo na, nang-agaw na ko.nakisiksik.nakisawsaw.name it. lahat ng Naki! poootah! pero yung hanggang ngayon apektado paren kayo ng issue na yan, nakakahiya na siguro sa part nio yan! at mind you, hindi ako nageenjoy sa panlalampasong ginagawa nyo.

what...

i wander around..ponder some thoughts.. ..suddenly i got these lines.

" i was just wondering, if I stop to ask What If?......

................Cos I want to know What Is?...."

One more chance

eto ang weird..sa gabi desidido ka na. move on kung move on. no more ninth chances of having back everything you've lost.. but no, at isa pang no, talaga naman in the morning..napapawi.although sumasagi sa utak mong, baka may kailangan pa sayo kaya hindi ka pa kayang pakawalan.at ang weird, pag umaayaw ka na ..me biglang tanong, "so you are giving up on me?" tas pag sobrang kulang na lang ligawan mo..hah! matuwa ka na kung magreply ~ mga tipong " i just need some space and time for myself"..buti kung me response, e pag wala..

para kang nawawala sa madilim na tunnel na wala man lang dalang flashlight.

ang hirap nga, ung magkasama kayo pero dama mo, hindi ikaw ang nasa puso niya.

minsan nga gusto ko nang itanong, sino ba ang naiimagine nia pag hawak ko ang kamay niya? ako o ung sumasayaw ng Hula?

from tito carding

Forgiveness is being shown and seen not only by saying it, nor doing it ----feeling it from within.

Trust

if trust is one of the most important components in the list of emotions, how come very few can actually be responsible in valuing this?

do you really believe, that one's trust is broken, all aspects fall and fail?

why do you need it when you already have love and acceptance?

i dont understand. and yet and i swallow it hard to retain it.

but im knocked out within my consciousness.

i.

i asked for hope. ~ He let me met you
i asked for a sign.~our chance came through
i asked for love. ~ and there was you.

but.

i asked Him everything ~ I have asked too much.

tick!

most minds are great...because we have felt.

damdamin

ang hirap no..ung alam mong talunan ka..kahit sang pasikot sikot ng larong ito.talo ka! at ang pinakamasakit dun, yung bang kinakaya mo pa, kahit na ang sarili mong budhi,sinusuka na ang lahat lahat sa kanya.

dahil kahit kelan, hindi ka niya talaga minahal.natuwa lang siya sa mga pangyayari.flattered lang siya at siya halos ang nauna mong ipagmalaki sa pamilya mo.

hindi totoong malayo nararating ng utak ko, na sobra akong mag-isip! kasi sa totoo lang, nararamdaman mo muna bago mo maisip. hindi totoong nagiisip agad bago mo talaga makuha ang lahat.

hah, baloney! totoo naman pala lahat!at syempre pa, napahiya mo ang sarili mo sa lahat, losing even your self-respect!

ang buhay ng panakip butas

gusto ko lang sabihin, hindi lahat ng panakip butas ginusto ang buhay nato. minsan kasi hindi mo nararamdamang ikaw pala ang tinutukoy ng titulo. akala mo naman kasi isa kang prinsesa, isang ang pag-aakalang pag-ibig..kahangalan!

akala mo okay yun kasi pakiramdam mo napapasaya mo talaga siya. akala mo hay nako puro akala. nabubulag kasi sa kahibangan!

sinking down

it's been a week. and still i haven't played the rightful song.i have been emotionally paralyzed and things are falling apart. i wanted to see God this time, i owe Him an apology. i always take Him for granted. i always neglect to perform my vows every time i get preoccupied by a special someone; someone i thought would shower me with utmost love. and then suddenly, all gone.

because i think im rushing so many things in my life. i think of how old i am, i get stressed with the idea that i will grow old with no one beside me. and when things like this happens, i turn into God. and then id ask Him again, are You tired of me?

this time every little detail was a big mistake. and then i did pause, wasn't it love?or was it just a wild infatuation that i thought i felt a deserving love?

i...dont know anymore.

i hold on to God, and i just love Him the most.

im sorry God, im so so wrong every time.

am i still breathing?

am i still breathing?
even for a fact that i did not intend to steal someone from a friend.

am i still breathing?
even if i was too certain that i was looking for complications and troubles.

am i still breathing?
it takes two to tango. and when the love triangle fell apart, she walked away and said that she needed some space.

am i still breathing?
that since last time we never communicate like we used to. mainly because we all got hurt.

am i still breathing?
cause my soul got stuck a little. and i felt my heart turned into a big stone.that when we last held each other's hands, I felt numbness in my nerves, no thrill, no electrifying sensation within.

am i still breathing?
cause I just want to get out from this routine, the world I used to live with eversince she came into my life.

am i still breathing?
cause seriously, I want to move on, and continue living.